Stepping out of the Inner ShadowJul 01, 2021
My childhood home in a small German town was clean, ordered, safe, and, in my opinion, very boring. Add to that parents who were barely out of their childhood when I arrived, a little annoying brother, and you get the picture.
My super sporty family spent all their free time near and in a 50m meter pool because my dad was the swim trainer, and my little brother quickly rose from regional to European under 18 Champion. Eventually, he was sent to a specialist boarding school with the rest of the German swim and fencing team (go figure, I don’t know why they put the two sports together either).
I, on the other hand, don’t have a competitive streak in my body and preferred to paint, write and dance (clumsily, according to my dad), and spent most of my days in the forest. My parents simply did not get me.
I only got their signature for art school (“how quaint”) because our neighbour, who taught there, assured them that I would never get in. “The competition is huge.”
I got in because I excelled at the entry test, and I needed creativity like others need air. My parents told everyone it was because I was local, and therefore less likely to drop out. There was no money for supplies because the boarding school was expensive. They did not come to my graduation because it was on a weekday, and they’d have to take the day off.
Don’t get me wrong. There was love and laughter in our house, and in their own way, my parents loved both of us equally - it was just that my brother did things they understood and deemed worth spending our very limited funds for. My dad called my talents “brotlose Kunst”, which translates roughly into ‘talent that that won’t earn you a crust.‘
I did not believe them. I always intuitively felt that there would be space for you if you have a calling, however, crowded the field.
And yet, we gravitate towards what we know, and for a very long time, despite my quiet rebellion, I ended up choosing to stick with what I knew because it felt safe.
Especially when I had children. I needed my safety net of other mums and family friends, even when some of them weren’t actually friends but people who judged me freely.
Unrealised by my conscious self, what I also knew to be the truth from my earliest childhood, was that I came second. I stayed in an unhappy marriage because I felt I did not have the right to be unhappy. My husband always came first, and, who was I anyway to complain when I had a holiday home in France, lived in a big house and had two beautiful girls in private school?
By the time I was in my mid-forties, I felt over-the-hill, under-appreciated, under qualified and utterly overwhelmed. Angry and sad, to name emotions for these feelings.
The truth was, though:
A) I had succeeded in everything I put my mind to.
B) I had succeeded, despite everyone telling me I wasn’t good enough.
C) I had succeeded because it mattered to me.
When you really pay attention and look for what you want, instead of complaining about what you don’t want, the path will reveal itself.
My spiritual journey eventually took me onto the right track, and here I am today, happy, knowledgeable, free and, above all, enough.
With unapologetic self-love, (secret) spirituality and a steady daily self-care routine, I finally learned that I am enough. That I am not just enough, but worth everything. That I have something to say and knowledge that is worth sharing. I became the goddess I knew lived inside me. It took me 10 years to get to that confidence and another 2 to actually believe it.
I never looked back.
If any of this resonates with you, and you don’t want to wait for 12 years, this is my very first sneak peek into an opportunity to work with me 1:1.
Every day I connect with hugely talented women who still believe they are not good enough. Who play small because they don’t believe what they want is important. Whose inner goddess has been reduced to a whisper.
With unapologetic self-love and dedication, I taught my goddess to come out to sing. She supports me. She made me believe that I am worth an abundant life. And now it is time for you to meet yours too.
Self-love will create strong boundaries, create an aligned and radiant life. When you love yourself and start to believe in the flow, your inner goddess supports you; she lights you up, and everyone around you too.